Mary flashed back to how perfect her life used to be and how loving her partner was before she got into an emotionally abusive relationship.
Who she never thought could emotionally abuse her. Months into the pregnancy of her child, he had beaten her up, which wasn’t the first. This incident led to them losing their baby, and she nearly lost her life.
What if her rescue wasn’t timely? What if she hadn’t opened up to her neighbor a day before? Who called the police on her partner when she heard her voice groaning in pain and shouting for help.
Kids she had wanted to stay back for in the relationship would be motherless now. These were the thoughts going through Mary’s mind while she made up her mind to walk away.
Emotional abusive relationships are not worth staying in at all. The cons involved are more than the pros, if there are any pros at all.
When in a toxic or abusive relationship, the signs of a toxic relationship are there; you are probably not paying enough attention.
You are unconsciously pushing them away from your mind that it is nothing to worry about. Toxicity in a partner can start as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and many more forms of violence.
Don’t stay back in an emotionally abusive relationship because of the kids you have for them or hoping they will change.
Change has to be a decision on their part, and you are not helping or being fair to yourself if you decide to stay. You can also engage in some abusive relief exercises if you have the time for them.
Signs of An Emotional Abusive Relationship
1. Manipulation
Being manipulative is a vital tool in the hands of a toxic partner. They manipulate you until you begin to question your sanity.
Everything is always your fault, even when it has nothing to do with you. Therefore, their job loss and bad debts are being accounted for as your fault.
2. Lies
When a partner lies even to the littlest of things, can’t just be truthful for once; kindly do a check to be sure you are not in a toxic relationship.
3. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
If you always feel like you are walking on eggshells in a relationship, you might be in a toxic relationship.
A partner who genuinely cares about you will always be happy to see you win and support you at all times.
If you notice your partner being gloomy when it comes to your time of celebrating wins, kindly redo your homework to be sure you are not in a relationship with a toxic person.
4. Always want to be in control
When a partner wants to always be in control, not the loving care kind of power, which entails ensuring you use a seat belt and sunscreen at the beach.
Dominant toxic traits in abusers always crave to want to be in control. They want to control who you hang out with, stay friends with, even the one you are on a phone call.
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Steps on how to end or leave an emotionally abusive relationship
Ending or leaving an abusive relationship isn’t an easy piece of cake; it can be a daunting task, and here is how you can overcome it.
1. Recognize you are in an abusive relationship
Recognize you have been abused; don’t wallow in denial. You have to face reality. Someone who loves you won’t put you down consistently, hit you, cause bodily harm to you, or endanger your life and the lives of your loved ones.
Stop telling yourself they will change; yes, change is possible in a toxic partner. Still, your partner has to admit their behavior is unhealthy and be willing to seek professional help and take a conscious step towards changing.
Most importantly, making that change a lasting one. If not, toxic people hardly change. Take that walk, and don’t ever look back.
2. Don’t blame yourself
Sometimes, thoughts that come to mind after an emotionally abusive relationship breakup could be to blame it on yourself. You could start asking questions if it was your fault you were abused.
If you could have stayed back a little more, probably your partner would change. So many questions you keep asking yourself.
Your partner was toxic because they chose to be. That is who they are. Resist the urge to blame yourself.
Don’t see yourself as a victim, but instead a survivor who survived despite what they went through. Stop the blame.
3. Plan your escape
Equipped yourself with the right information and consider your options carefully. Call the national domestic helplines; they do have safety tips on how to protect yourself while planning to leave a toxic partner.
Get financially liberated while at it. Take your time to leave the relationship.
Most times, significant reasons for staying back in a relationship are thoughts of how your life is going to pan out, especially if you are one without a career or education.
It is time to get a job or get back to school. Take that training and plan your way to financial independence. Don’t be hasty in leaving without a plan. Get your idea together on how to be independent.
4. Keep shreds of evidence
If your partner has been physically violent or has threatened you, keep records of every piece of evidence, and also, don’t hesitate to talk to a law enforcement agency; remember to be transparent and present evidence.
5. Cut all means of communication with them
Cutting off connection with one whom you used to love so much can be a daunting task. For your own good, you have to cut communications with them because toxic partners are manipulative and are good with words, especially when it comes to getting someone they once had control over.
Get a restraining order, if possible. I understand these might not work with a partner you have kids with; limit what you talk to them about if you have to communicate with them because of the kids.
Please talk about the kids when necessary and assure them of your love.
If your partner is your colleague at work or in business, keep a parallel relationship with them. Most importantly, don’t change your decision about leaving a toxic partner.
6. Talk to someone about it
Supportive Family can come in handy during periods like this; open up to them and let them know what you are going through and the kind of help you need. They are sure a good source of reassurance that you are not going through it alone.
7. Be selfish
It is time to be selfish and build back your self-worth and self-esteem. It is okay to be selfish during this period. Take yourself more seriously; you need time to regain the sapped energy taken from you in an abusive relationship.
If possible, get a journal and document your recovery journey, and trust me, this could be very therapeutic.
Go on that trip, practice that age-long yoga techniques you learned, and meditate on positivity as much as you like.
8. Seek professional help
You most likely can’t work through the journey alone. Seek professional advice and schedule a therapy session. Take your health and mental health more seriously. When leaving a toxic relationship, you need as much support as you can get. Join a support group.
9. Take your time before you get into a new relationship again
Just like Mary, I understand the pain of coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship could be so daunting that you might think getting a new one is a solution to ease your pain.
You don’t want to do that; that can make your situation worse. Learn to take a break to avoid getting into a relationship like the previous one.
Take your time to build yourself. Go on a date alone. Treat yourself nicely. Look in the mirror and tell yourself beautiful things.
Please write down your deal breakers in your previous relationships and watch out for them, as this will help guide you when you’re ready to start dating again.